Im a person with pretty much alot of fears. More than people think I would have. Since I highly doubt any/many would read this anyway, I guess it does no harm consolidating all my thoughts...?

Each day, I am counting down how long more I have left as a free girl with no deadlines, no commitments, no nothing but all the time in the world to do anything I want. Okay maybe I am not THAT free with nothing to do at all, but rather I will take some time getting used to having to wake up early for class, having class ( wth I haven gone to school or had lessons for like 9 mths -_- ), doing homework, paying attention, blabla.... I sure will miss getting to sleep anytime I want cuz I dont have to wake up early or even wake up at all if thats what I want -.- I sure will miss being able to comment for jobs as and when I want without having to considering if I have anything else on. Sigh.

Yes, it is damn ironic cuz I used to complain about how bored I am and how I wish school starts but I fear too. Despite all the OTHER feelings I get, I experience fear, too. No?

One thing for sure I will regret not having done enough this entire holiday is closely related to modelling. I was super un-proactive in the beginning when I first started and there was this point of time even, when I wanted to quit. I wish I had more courage in me to pursue all aspects of my part time dream in the early part of the year, when I had all the time in the world. I didnt until recently, but ohwell I guess modelling isnt something Im gna give up, even after school starts.

Feeling pretty puzzled and confused about life these few days, as the thought of school dawns upon me. Thursday would be registration as well as the medical check up ( thank god I have bernice for company zzz ) but I dont know, it just doesnt seem as welcoming as I thought it would be. Doesnt seem like theres gna be proper orientation (?) or whatsoever. I feel scared. Scared about school, scared about people, scared about what people think/say, scared of being judged, scared about curriculum, scared about my attitude, scared that I cannot find the same kinda familiarization I found in 7a, scared about every goddamn thing ):

Im even scared about things totally unrelated to school cuz I somehow can still draw an indirectly link. I fear that school would take away friends from me, the ones who are too, gonna be in an entirely new environment ( but possibly adapting to it alot better ). I fear that school will further distant the close bonds I have with the people I love most, with alot less time for them, and with an additional schedule to accomodate :/ I fear that the lack of time I have for the people I love will make me lose them to others. I fear everything that seems redundant but might not actually be that redundant....

Im actually someone thats really scared to lose. I want to win in most things that I do, but dont you? One thing I know for sure, Im someone who dares to face up to my emotions, to what I want. I dare to admit that I may in some way or another, be selfish in one sense or another. I dont readily just let people go like that, I dont readily accept becoming #2 to somebody else.

I dont even know why Im typing this. But one thing for sure, I absolutely hate how Im feeling now.

Will it get better?