listening to a song, i have this urge to cry. i just blogged in that private blog that nobody knows of th url, & i really thought through alot of things through every single sentence i typed there. im tired, & this time, i really mean im exhausted.

i said ive gone numb but no i haven, it still stabs just as badly, only more& more each day. im tired of counselling myself, telling myself that everything will be okay. im sick of lying to myself, deceiving myself that everything is just me thinking too much on my part. i hate pushing the blame to myself for every single thing that happens. ive been neglecting myself for far too long, i must care about myself. i must love myself, or im just gonna hurt myself further.

i lied, lied saying that i didnt mind anymore. well thats what im trying to. since i think, it wouldnt make a difference whether i said i minded or didnt mind, i didnt see a difference in the different responses i would give. im just pretending to be strong, pretending to be some gracious person, accepting all the rubbish nonsense, when i cant. i dont want to listen to excuses anymore, & those occasional sorry(s) that come& go. i thought , this process should be a happy one. it should be, shouldnt it? but why am i going through all these, making me feel as though i am suffering? & it is only on my part, that i am suffering. that means, its wrong, things shouldnt have been like that. i dont want to make myself wait up every night to see no reply, i dont want to make myself tear for you anymore. my life is precious.

its not that i cant live without love, its only that i cant live without you, for now. but if i have to, i will learn, i will learn to live, without you. life will go on, i know it will. it cant be just me putting in the effort to love you, when you dont bother about how i feel, dont care about what i think. there has always been communication, cos i have been constantly telling you how i feel, what i need, why i want, but theres no use saying what i said, if it doesnt matter to you.

yeah & i cant even be bothered about the test, cos i already know the outcome. whats the point?
no point, cos everything is just a facade. im tired of trying to put a smile on your face when other people can do it simply so easily. go, go seek your happiness. slowly, i will leave. & nothing lasts forever. ♥

tear like raindrops. ♥ 2:07 AM